“And all along i believed,i would find you,
time has brought a heart to me,
I’ve loved you for a thousand years,
I’ll love you for a thousand more,
I mean why i was even listening to this song,and then the other second i realize Christina Sang it *_*.Oh Boy ! feels like I’m so Loved.Love should shower on me.It should.What ? Wait.Why? How? I don’t have a soul mate.I never had.Why this song seems faacinating.Its about love and I hate talking about love.
#And questioning starts of ‘ME’ with “Internal Me” ;
Me to ‘Internal one’ :
ME: I can be in love.Huh?
Internal one- No you can’t be.Yes,never.
ME: I wanna know what this thing is.
Internal one- You know it very well and as well you got your *ass slammed by a door.
ME: What if anybody loves me now,truly ? There ‘re trillions of people in the world.Anybody ?
Internal one- Yes,They are three ‘ MOM,DAD & MANU’.
ME: Yeah,the world to me ^_^.
Internal one- Yeah,Truly & Unconditionally.
ME: And Ofc *friends too.Beautiful friends.
Internal one- *gruns…You don’t have an y friends amigo.Not even one.
ME: Fuck off,i do’ve friends hundreds of them,all are close.They text sometimes,might get busy sometimes when they don’t,they just brim over my inbox everywhere sometimes.Every time they look at me they smile.Don’t they ? *uhhhh but sometime they just look and ignore like i’m not even a known one.Maybe,I’d have done something bad or terrible and they just don’t like it.We talk sometimes,but seems like they don’t give attention and drift away their eyes and ears.But they’re still there.Maybe what i say must be inappropriate,look not everyone is interested in talks and fantasies about Seas,Mountains,Wild,World Travel,Food,Happiness,Generosity and blah!blah!blah.Not everyone loves fun,craziness and stuff.No everyone gonna listen how embracing you feel about making everyone else happier.Not everyone wanna fantasize travel with you with staring up to the sky.Not everyone want to have Hallucinations about soul searching like i have.Nobody is wrong,they’re just different.Different in their way of thinking,way of behaving,way of acting and so on covers.
That’s why i like being a Loner.
I can have a plenty of time for myself.Plus,i’ve no one to blame about me being alone or the one stranded away.I can talk to myself.Share my fantasies with my own self.Be stupid and crazy,because that’s what you’re grown up with.I don’t hate anyone.I don’t even want to.i Love everyone and wish good for one who can just mirror back my smile or just be a reason of it.Yeah indeed,Flowers makes me smile,couples who roam around smiling at each other like they’re together till death do ’em apart,the beautiful wild with the wide welcoming sky,the chirping of the birds,travel to new places,watching their different ways of living which are indeed beautiful,their way of celebrating,loving there solemn promises to their soul mates,their love stories which are real.And in between all of these,some beautiful humans i come across.The pretty eyes,fluffy bodies,extrovert,introvert,chubby cheeks,way of flipping back their hairs,stalking,staring,compliments as a stranger and sometime,just stare**nothing else.It’s all beautiful and lovely.That’s what life can all offer.
Internal one – Oh poor boy !
(–I don’t know how to answer this,coz deep inside the internal me is still me,a stupid & foolish creature who …—)
I don’t want to be clever or wise or anyone who examine people and thoughts randomly to enjoy them.I just love what i am,coz i’ve chosen this life for me.If somebody can’t love me then its not my fault that…..Why ? and Whom ? i”m telling this to.I’m trying to convince myself ? That I’m not the one who is responsible of me being alone.Everybody wants love.So do i,not i want,its what i feel i need.But how,i don’t even know what love is.If it when someone favors you out from a crowd who hates you.Or the one who always stay by your side no matter whatever they’ve to come across to save you and their relationship with you.Or the one who will do anything to to bring a smile to your face.Or the one who will dance is a crowded place just because you feel unhappy.Or the one to whom no matter what shape,size,color,condition and attire are you in,will still found you beautiful in it.Or the one *fuck me off,i’m not destined to be loved.
You know what problem is associated with me all the way.I Care too bloody much and want to be pampered like i’m really loved.Not stranded away alone in midst of unknown faces,faces that don’t care.I feel special so easily.Even to a person who is offering me food,or the one asking me to be part with them in something*even for a “DANCE I DON’T KNOW AT ALL,but i can try coz i cared too much that they even wanted ,me to be part of it”.And when they turn faces on me like i don’t exist or i don’t deserved the place they offered,i die a lot inside.And guess what ? I’m alone again.
Hehehehe,its funny that how the friends,i thought were loving me my entire life,turn out to be one who fucks me out in public and i still stand there and laugh with them.You know why ? Because i love to see them smile and laughing even when ‘My literal inside death’ is the reason for that smile,coz i still care and love them.When i look at all those pictures i took with them,i see myself first.Smiling,totally into the picture and feeling gaily because your presence in the photo meant to them.Oh poor boy ! look at them now,they are in the photo looking at the camera lens,just the lens where they see their reflection,your presence is nothing to them.I just laugh at me,thinking what was i made for? doing fun or being a fun ?
Would i ever be loved ?
Guess what ? I’m not that smart to know the answer.
You wanna hear something funny ?
There was a time when i wanted love so desperately that i made an imaginary soulmate of mine (as i was too scared of getting cheated,which i just got by once.And i thought and still think that i would want a true one to go on with forever).We used to talk everyday,oops every second i meant.She never left my side.She pampered me always.Even during my journeies she was there with me.During my failure,during the victories.During my football match,during my race time.During my Happiness throughout my sorrow.We talked for hours and hours.Even in the exam hall where i slept as by getting done off the exam.She stopped me from doing wrong and getting more drunk or driving too fast.She said,she was scared,as through all these time she was along.She was even their when in the night i used to write my diary.She used to utter everything i forget to write about the whole freakin day or whatever i was writing about the same day.We slept together.Sometimes she was the bigger spoon over me and sometimes i got the chance of being the bigger spoon covering my little one.We Kissed.She never had a face,nor a voice.Decided to give her a face but failed.Ofc she was my hallucination.But she loved me.Then i got it.She was true love and she’ll have a face when she’ll come along real.Maybe she’s yet to come.Or might be true that i see her face everyday but don’t recognize ?
If She is gonna come anyway and i don’t know her like she can be anyone.Here-now-today i can solemnly promise to be the best guy in the world.Her best option about which she’ll never regret she choosed.We’ll travel the whole world together.Hands in hands.Our eyes will always speak the unspoken words.No matter under whatever circumstances,we’ll be holding each other and the bad will diminish.I’ll make her breakfast.Will give her surprises.Will do her make-up sometimes.Will dance amusingly to make her laugh.Will marry her visiting different cultures,no matter how many it takes.Will take photos at every corner of the world.Will be spoilers.Junkers,Bunkers and will eat like hell.And i won’t care about her ‘Fat gain’.She can be fat with me.And then i’ll make her jog with me every morning to put her in shape again.Will make her feel like the luckiest one and i mean it coz its not filmy at all.Will discuss with her all my theories and listen to her’s even when knowing they are wrong.Hahahah,It’ll be a great life.I guess.
Will make her sing this when she’ll find me as her ‘ONE’ :
‘I’ve died everyday waiting for you,
Darlin’ don’t be afraid,i’ve loved you for a thousand years,
I’ve loved you for a thousand more…’
I Did it.Didn’t i ? Started with something and ended up somewhere else.Hahaha,no worries i just write not type,ink the feelings.And Guess what ?
I Hate love.
I Don’t have it.
I’ll have it Someday,for sure 🙂